Peer Lived Experience - Gill

My thirst for alcohol developed in my early teens when I discovered that it altered how I felt. At the age of 15, I also developed a smoking habit and for the next few decades I drank and smoked myself silly. It never occurred to me that I was using alcohol and cannabis as medication. I just did it without thinking.

When I reached my 50th birthday I came face-to-face with my deep unhappiness. By then, I had already stopped smoking thanks to two pregnancies. But there I was with two teenagers who were watching me pour wine down my neck every night and waking me up during a family movie to tell me that I’d missed the best bit!

The booze made me very cranky, and I was in the never-ending cycle of wishing for it to be five o’clock so that I could switch my mind off with a large drink. I began to feel extremely guilty about the type of role-model that I was to my kids. I imagined how I might feel if they also started looking for happiness in the bottom of a bottle.

After much rumination and a few weeks of abstinence here and there, I finally decided that the best option for me and my family was to stop drinking completely. Of course, that brings its own challenges. I soon felt the raw feelings creeping in. The pain of a difficult childhood that I had been numbing for decades. I sought help.

I found SMART Recovery by searching online and immediately embraced the huge power that comes from being part of a group of people who are all struggling with similar challenges and who have all been trying to overcome them by abusing substances or other things such as gambling.

I was humbled by the people I met. The facilitators gave me so much hope because they never ever judged me.

I was used to judgement from my extended family and society in general which often forced me into hiding thus isolating myself. Through SMART Recovery and the opportunity that it gives us to meet others in a safe way, we find a connection that allows us to feel more worthy. The dynamics of the group works in such a way that people want to support each other in a non-judgemental way.

The facilitators who I’ve encountered have all been amazing. Many of them have lived experience and are there because they can empathise with the struggles that people have. They share their knowledge and experience openly and it gives much hope and encouragement to others.They come from all walks of life and are a wonderful reminder to us all that adopting unhealthy coping strategies to deal with mental health issues and/or just life in general, is more common than we realise. It can happen to anyone.

This helps to break down the stigma that our society tries to pin on those they do not understand.

The more we can talk about our own struggles, the more society will realise that we are just ordinary people trying to find our way, sometimes getting stuck, sometimes falling into a dark hole and often because of some pretty awful stuff that has happened to us in an earlier part of our lives.

This is not to excuse the choices we might have made, but to shine a light on how, with the right support, people can get out of the dark place and learn the skills to manage their own recovery and go on to live a life that has meaning for them.

Given the choice, I doubt that anyone would ever choose to live a life of suffering. And that’s what eventually awaits a person who is caught in the trap of unhealthy behaviour such as substance abuse.

I am so grateful to SMART Recovery and all that they do for helping me to live my life in the light, not in the darkness.